VII. Steps to Forgiving Others

'Rise & Shine & Give God the Glory, Glory.  Children of the Lord.'    (I love yelling that.)  Would you have preferred a bugle?   We will start this next climb in 20 minutes.  Make sure your boots are laced tight and you have your gloves as this next section may be a challenging scramble.

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

Before we start, know that much of the following material came from a workshop on “Spiritual Conflicts and Biblical Counseling” by Dr. Neil Anderson. His copyright policy is that one may copy it as long as it is copied and used correctly. Other resources by Dr. Neil Anderson Victory over the Darkness; The Steps to Freedom in Christ; and The Bondage Breaker

Following these steps may appear easy and straightforward, but if your experience is anything like mine, prepare for a heartfelt challenge and freedom. I will first go through the 5 steps and then it will be up to each of you to find someplace without distractions and ask the Spirit of God to bring to your mind anyone who has offended you along with how they offended or harmed you.

The Process

Step 1

Make 2 columns on a sheet of paper. In the left column write the name of the person who offended or wronged you. In the right column, write the specific actions or words that person used to offend or harm you. As the people come to mind, write down their name and then their offensive actions along with the consequences that you have already suffered. Each person may have multiple offenses as in my example. Do not stop listing people and offenses until the Spirit stops bringing them forward in your mind. In my case, I believe He stopped at three pages. (And I write small.)

Step 2

Go back to the start of your list and acknowledge the hurt, the anger, and perhaps the hatred you felt when wronged by the actions that the Spirit brought to your mind. Remember that the hurt, anger, stress, and hatred are part of the cost of the other’s offense. There may also be financial, physical, and marital consequences. If you do not acknowledge the emotions that are part of the consequences you have suffered, then your forgiveness is not complete. In my experience, it was not until I was at the 4th person on my list that my emotions started erupting, revealing the emotional anguish I had suffered. Do not go looking for things, just address the events and emotions the Spirit brings to your mind now. It is common for one to have more emotions released in the future when the Spirit knows you are ready. This is a process to repeat as the Spirit brings up hurts and offenses.

Step 3

Ponder the “millions of dollars” of sin debt that Jesus forgave you. Now compare the vastness of your sin against the “thousands of dollars” of wrongs you have suffered. The consequences and hurt that you have experienced are not negligible. But when compared to what Father has forgiven you, the $3,500 of hurts done by this person becomes miniscule against the $20,000,000 the Father has forgiven you. (That is 20 MILLION for those who, like me, often drop the last 3 zeros. ☹ You may find it helpful to review the exercise in chapter 1 on articulating the wrongs for which Father has forgiven you.)

Step 4

Decide whether you will, or will not, accept upon yourself the consequences and suffering of their wrongs. These are the consequences and pain you have already suffered yet have been deceiving yourself that freedom will only come through vengeance or justice. Forgiveness is a crisis of the will between you and God. Will you cling to what you feel is justified or will you obey Father’s command to forgive others as He has forgiven you? When YOU choose to no longer desire revenge, you let the other person off YOUR hook and free yourself. Remember the illustration in chapter V about the chain binding your hands? Freedom comes in releasing the ends of the chain you, not another, that you hold in your hands. Your feelings may follow in time, but you need to repent (stop and go the other way) of the desire to hate and to seek revenge. Often, when I am in the presence of one who has offended me, I need to remind myself that I have chosen to forgive their offense(s) and to no longer hold it against them. And when the wrong has been overlooked (Proverbs 19:11) to encourage them towards being a bit more like Jesus.

Step 5

State aloud that you choose to accept the consequences of their wrong and to no longer seek retaliation or revenge against them as vengeance is for the Lord Almighty who alone can “judge righteously and test the heart and mind.” (Jeremiah 11:20) Following is a sample statement of your decision.

I FORGIVE (person’s name) FOR (list specific wrong or offenses against you).

I ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES AND PAIN OF THIS WRONG DONE TO ME.

I WILL NOT HOLD IT AGAINST THEM AGAIN.

Next, go to the second person on your sheet and repeat the process. And then the third until you have made a decision for each person that has wronged you. Then tear up your list and if you have a small empty metal can available, put the paper in that can and burn it. Put that metal can with the ashes in a place that will remind you often of your decision to forgive, the ashes no longer cataloguing their offenses.

Throughout life I have endeavored to keep short accounts and to forgive quickly using the above statement. Sometimes my unforgiveness builds up without my notice and I need to step back and go through this process. This will become easier with practice. For more information, read Victory over the Darkness; The Steps to Freedom in Christ; and The Bondage Breaker all written by Dr. Neil T. Anderson.

Practicum

Ok, this is where you may find yourself scrambling over some boulders. Go find a place without distractions and work through this process. Start with a prayer such as this:

Father in Heaven, thank you for your love and mercy towards me. It has been your patient love that has brought me to understand just part of the extent of my offenses towards you and your intense grace to forgive me, putting all my sin on Jesus. Yet I have not shown similar merciful love to others who have wronged or hurt me. Instead, I have fostered an angry grudge for revenge. In this time of opening the closets where I have hidden my hurt and vengeful plots, bring to mind those people I have not forgiven from my heart. I want to do that now.

When you are done, head up to the next rest stop. At noon we will tackle the last climb to the top. For me, this was a very difficult part in conquering my Mount Offense.

<<<<< Time Alone with God for Practicum >>>>>

Hopefully you each have experienced incredible freedom from your unforgiveness of others that may have been accumulating over the years. That afternoon after I did this exercise, I felt like I was walking on the clouds. As you are finishing your lunch, I will describe a bit of what you may encounter on this final climb to the summit. This may push some of you to your limits and challenge some of your beliefs, but when you reach the summit, you will have fully released that virtual chain of bondage and be celebrating freedom from unforgiveness.