VI. Forgiveness and Reconcilliation
Reconciliation
Restoring a right relationship with a forgiven offender will likely require reconciliation, a process of making it right with another. Similar to these other myths, reconciliation is not a condition of forgiving another, but it is often the desired outcome. Remember, forgiveness only requires one person, the offended, whereas reconciliation requires both the offended and the offender to make it right between them. This reconciliation process is similar between individuals, families, groups in a church at odds with each other, and in politics.
Life Experience
Personally, I have been able to reconcile and strengthen many relationships. Yet there are many others which have never approached reconciliation. One example is when an apology is accepted, but the offended and offender are already drifting out of each other's sphere of interaction. Earlier I spoke of an employer whom I "divorced" and then later forgave the specific men who I felt had wronged me. After I left the company, having no further interaction with those men, I never sought reconciliation after forgiving them. At that conference where I had decided to forgive them, I had not been with the company for almost a year.
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Other Hindrances to Reconciliation
Distance
Another example is when family or friends relocate a distance from each other while the relationship is strained. Although forgiveness only requires the offended to act, the process of confrontation, repentance, and understanding may end up being done 'long distance' and only if both parties are committed to the time and energy to do this. It does happen, but not often. The two may 'have cleared the air' between themselves, but the reconciliation process, which often includes rebuilding the broken trust, takes time, time that one or both parties may not want to invest. The extreme example of this may be a divorce for unfaithfulness where all trust is shattered. Rebuilding that trust is risky and time intensive. Some couples can rebuild to 25% of where they were before and are then content with that level of trust for working together to raise the children.
Not Owning Part of the Offense
Another hindrance to reconciliation is when the offended is perceived as totally in the wrong and should not be offended because what they did was wrong. An extreme example of this may be a drug addict who has betrayed a trust and is then offended when others consider him untrustworthy. There are various colloquial expressions that come to mind such as, 'Well, Hello. Anybody home in there?' When the offender or the offended accept no portion of the offense as their responsibility, reconciliation efforts are effectively shut down. There has been at least one occasion where I pursued reconciliation with another, yet they denied being any part of the conflict. In their view, I was totally in the wrong and until I took full responsibility, we had nothing to discuss. Loosing that friendship was devastating.
The political arena is another area where pride and the inability to acknowledge that one may have been partially wrong shuts down any reconciliation or cooperation. As the United States is emerging from the COVID-19 pandemic, the term "mis-information" is used to label any data that does not agree with your 'Tribe's' position. Even with new medical studies contradicting some of the assertions of 'one tribe', it seems that those in power cannot admit that maybe, just maybe they were partially wrong. COVID-19 was a new, very contagious virus and experts were making informed guesses on how to best protect citizens. A promising 'vaccine' was developed at 'warp speed' and initially showed a 95% effectiveness at preventing one from catching COVID-19. A few months later it was down to 65% effective and continued to decline to where many vaccinated people were catching the virus, but the vaccine was heralded as keeping them out of the hospital. As new data developed, it was observed that the vaccine was even less effective at buffering the mutations or variants of the virus. Then, about the same time that it was determined that vaccines were losing effectiveness and perhaps developed for a virus variant that had now burned through the population, the government decided that it was best for all to be vaccinated and thus issued mandates. Mandates to get the vaccine or lose your government, military, or medical job. OSHA mandated companies to require employees be vaccinated. Some cities and states also required it and religious exemptions were rarely given. Additionally, there were mandates to wear masks, even for children as young as 2 years old. Reportedly the consensuses was that vaccines were the ONLY preventative option and 100% of the population had to be vaccinated for it to arrest the spread – of course the spread of which variant?
This vaccine mandate drew a clear distinction between the two tribes. Both tribes claimed their perspective was based on science with no apparent room for developing 'science' to change their position. In my experience, only God has cornered the market on accurate information. Take a step back and consider that the information we receive has been condensed, distilled, and edited. How can one sum up their day's work in one phrase? But we do. Try summarizing your previous year. Unless you or your children reached a milestone in school or career, it is something like "about the same as last year" or "SSDD." Yet most are convinced that what they have learned is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. With that mindset, reconciling the two tribes is extremely difficult if even possible. The same is true of individuals and groups. When one party will not take any ownership of being partially in the wrong, reconciliation is impossible. Peace will only come with capitulation.
'Circling back' to the process of Reconciliation.
The Process of Reconciliation – Making it Right
The process of reconciliation usually follows a pattern.
Hearing and understanding the other’s perspective of the offense.
An apology for actions such as:
disrespecting, demeaning, or taking advantage of the offended.
For abuse, theft, and/or betrayal, etc.
an unintentional wrong (if the claim that it was unintentional is not accepted, an apology may still help).
Restoration. When there actually has been an intentional wrong, restoration often requires the most time. A betrayal may take years to rebuild the trust.
Illustration
Two people start a relationship based on trust of each other. They each deposit $500 into a new joint Trust account. They have joint ownership of vehicles, both names are on the lease and they know each other’s passwords. The couple start their relationship with a thousand dollars in the Trust Bank. In the life of the relationship, with no suspicion of infidelity or abuse, that trust may continually increase.
Then, one day a betrayal is uncovered. Infidelity or serious mismanagement of joint funds is exposed. Or perhaps spousal abuse. Suddenly that joint Trust account goes into major overdraft! To restore the partnership requires both people to take risky, pro-active steps to replenish the joint Trust account. Only this time, neither wishes to risk much and only contribute $50 to this new post-disaster and overdrawn joint account. The trust account may then grow slowly. It may require years of focused and determined effort to rebuild the trust. Eventually the account moves out of being overdrawn. This type of reconciliation often requires the greatest commitment to time and to personal risk.
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In the previous section, I spoke of the man for whom I had worked for years and now has no confidence or trust in me because he is convinced I lied to him. It would be rare for that relationship to be restored because of his confidence that I am not telling the truth. When one is accustomed to lying, they often assume everyone lies, but maybe not with their skill.
All this is to say that while reconciliation is desirable and achievable, it does take both the offended and the offender to make it right between them.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18 NIV
Alright, let us camp here. In the morning, the first hike will be challenging as I coach you in putting into practice some of what we have been learning. Then the final ascent to the top is the hardest but I will be with you at every handhold and foot hold.
