V. Is an Apology Required to Forgive?

An Apology Is Not Required to Forgive Another

But Is Key to Reconciliation.

Forgiving another does not require that they first apology. This is so counterintuitive. How can a person forgive a non-repentant offender? Whether the offender initiates the apology or the offended needs to confront the offender and request an apology, current modern wisdom is that an apology is required before one can forgive and heal. This philosophy hits a wall if:

• The offender dies before they can be approached about the offense.

• The offender does not accept that their actions were offensive.

• The offender leaves the area before they can be approached.

• The offender is physically unapproachable, such as a political leader.

Is the offended then chained to that vengeance for the rest of their life? If so, then Father goofed when He commanded his followers to forgive and delegate the judgement and vengeance to the only one who can discern the motives and judge rightly. If an apology is required prior to forgiveness, then I for one am carrying a heavy pack of unforgiveness awaiting an apology.

But (BUT= Behold Ultimate Truth) to forgive only requires one person, the offended. Before confronting another, one MUST have already forgiven them. One must have agreed to accept the hurt, pain, or other consequences and to not hold it against the offender BEFORE approaching the offender.

When a relationship is on-going, it may be best to overlook an offense. "A person’s discretion makes him slow to anger and it is his glory to overlook an offense." (Proverbs 19:11) Confronting another over a 'mild' offense may actually increase the stress between you. For example, a friend who failed to save a seat for you at a concert or a 'rude' driver zipping into that parking spot you were maneuvering to back into. If after forgiving them, you can think of a logical explanation, such as your friend was initially holding open a seat but then became distracted during which time the seat was quietly occupied by another. Or that 'rude driver' was late and in his haste, he just did not notice you about to back into the same parking spot he zipped into. These are reasonable explanations. Remember, you may have similarly offended another by doing the same thing. If you are able, overlook the offense. But if one cannot overlook an offense and it stresses the relationship, then it may be appropriate to approach your offender to start the reconciliation process.

Many offenses are unintentional and often a simple miscommunication or an unintended reference. In these situations, overlooking another's offense after forgiving it is the best approach to keep the relationship alive. At other times, gracefully pointing this out to the offender will lead to clarification, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

Life Experience

While I was recovering in the cardiac unit, Jay came to visit. I had not seen him in a couple of months. After some chit chat, Jay confessed that he had come because I had offended him a couple of months prior and that is why I had not seen him. But because I was in the hospital, he figured he needed to get this squared away soon. Laying there in bed with inflating boots assisting my circulation, that was the last thing I expected. As he explained some of his background, I could understand how my comment could be taken as an insult. This discussion led to reconciliation and a stronger friendship, yet I was saddened. I was saddened because he did not feel comfortable approaching me about my unintentional offense. And it bothered me that instead of forgiving me, he had carried that grudge for two months and deprived himself from the comradery of our Bible oriented discussion group.

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Jay assumed that his forgiveness was conditional on my apology. What a burden to carry, even for two months. Forgiveness does not require an apology. Forgiveness requires the action of only one person, the offended. (I have said that before, right?) It is not conditional on an apology or even seeing the offender receive punishment.

When I perceive the underlying anger poking through another who has asked for my counsel, I will often demonstrate these truths about forgiveness with a 6-foot section of heavy chain. I give the person the chain and instruct them to: "Grasp one end of this chain in each hand. Now start twisting your hands such that the chain wraps around your wrists." Soon, the chain, whose ends are held in the person's hands, has bound them.

Their arms and hands are chained together. Unforgiveness is similar to that chain entangling one's arms and greatly hindering their life. Freedom does not require another person to cut the chain or provide a key to unlock it (the key being the offender apologizing). Freedom simply requires opening one's hands and releasing each end of the chain. Freedom comes in letting go of seeking revenge for the offense. What a novel idea! Choosing not to release the ends of the chain held in one's hands keeps one shackled to anger, bitterness, impatience, and violence - all fruits of unforgiveness. I tell them that these fruits of unforgiveness WILL eventually permeate one's life, even when sleeping and eating. I then loan them the chain with instructions to return it when they have chosen to let go, to forgive.

When Confrontation is Appropriate

After forgiving, if an offense continues stressing the relationship with the offender, then approaching them to address the offense is appropriate. Here are some tips on doing that in a gracious and productive way.

1. Forgive first. Approach having already forgiven the offender.

2. Relate instead of Accuse. Do not be accusatory but relate how the experience was perceived as an offense. For instance, an accusation may be: 'When you told me I was racist because I was an Indian Skin’s fan, you belittled me.' In contrast, relating your experience may be: 'Do you recall when you commented that I may be a racist because I did not want to change the Skin's Football team’s name, it angered me because by grandfather was a Cherokee and I am proud that the team is honoring my heritage with their name.

When a wise person is confronted with how their statement offended another, often they will listen and, never intending to belittle anyone, adjust their presentation so as not to be offensive. Perhaps the offender was also of Indian heritage and was offended by the team degrading his heritage using the Indian Skin name. Approaching with an explanation of your perspective to the offense allows clarification and a greater understanding of each other.

Life Experience

While visiting Ukraine, I spent a night with a family who spoke no English and I spoke neither Ukrainian nor Russian. As we sat in the living room, their toddler was tentatively approaching me. So I started interacting with him. At one point, I started playing the game of “I have your nose”. I would gently grasp his nose between my index and middle finger and then pull it away with my thumb – “his little nose” – sticking out between my index and middle finger. A chill came over the room and the toddler was called back to mom. Later I learned that in putting my thumb between my fingers like a “nose,” that gesture was a cultural gesture akin to extending my middle finger to him. Absolutely not my intent and without an interpreter, I had no way of explaining or apologizing. I left them the next morning regretting that misunderstanding.

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3. Believe the offender's explanation. Graciously believe the offender's explanation even though convinced that they meant otherwise. (Cynicism is another fruit of unforgiveness.)

Life Experience

One day I did something which offended a man for whom I had worked for years. He took great offense. He confronted me and told me that I had worked with him long enough to know that one does not try to “poach” an employee from his company without asking him first. Since another with whom both he and I had worked had asked me to call the employee to ask if he was looking for work, I did not think I was violating any “rule.” I apologized and said that I did not know the custom and my offense was unintentional. But he would not accept my explanation that I did not know that I would offend him by calling my former co-worker. He was convinced that working for him all those years I would know about the “small business rules” of another’s employees. We ended the call with him calling me a liar and we have not spoken since. Until he accepts that I am not lying and that he may be mistaken, I do not see any path forward.

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4. You may be wrong. Allow that you may be wrong in your understanding of the words or events by which you were offended and accept their explanation of their intent. If it was their intent to offend you, it will become obvious as you further interact. There is little less frustrating that having one's explanation rejected, being called a liar because "how could anyone experience what I (the offended) experienced and not find it offensive?" It does happen. Perhaps the offended party has never unintentionally offended another. Just saying.

5. Unwise to confront. This will be addressed further during this next portion of conquering Mount Offense, but I wanted to make a few comments here. Have you ever had an employer ask for frank feedback on how they are managing things? All it took was one minor tidbit to test the waters and two weeks later I learned that my replacement had already been hired. There are people who cannot acknowledge that they can improve or that their way of doing life may offend others. Lying is a common habit that, when I observe a supervisor lying to someone else, I am haunted with the question of how much are they lying to me in order to keep me motivated. Thus, in some situations it is wiser to keep your guard up a bit higher and not confront a higher-level manager or owner about habits that will likely not change.

Well, this looks like a good place to catch our breath. As you free yourself of your packs, lock this summary in your mind:

• An apology is not a pre-requisite to forgiveness.

• Forgiveness is a pre-requisite, a decision to be made, before approaching another about their offense in hopes of an apology and reconciliation.

• When confronting another, relate how you understood the event instead of accusing the other of intending to offend.

• Believe the offender's explanation

• Accept that you may have been wrong in your interpretation of the offense.

• Know when it is wise to say nothing.