IV. Does Forgiveness Require Forgetting?
These next two legs of our climb will be over terrain that has caused many to stumble. They will not be that difficult, but you need to listen to Ole West and not assume that you already know that forgiveness is not forgetting nor is an apology required.
Does God Forgive and Forget?
'Forgiveness Requires Forgetting' is a commonly propagated concept that keeps many chained to their anger and bitterness as they assume that since they cannot forget, then they cannot forgive. God says He will remember our sins no more (Hebrews 10:17). Because the Lord Almighty is omniscient (He actually does know it all), He cannot forget. Rather, when He forgives, He chooses to put the sin behind Him and not bring it up as an accusation against the offender in the future.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12 NIV
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NIV
How many miles is the East from the West? When traveling North, once one crosses the North Pole they are traveling South- even without turning around. That is a distance of approximately 12,430 miles. But when traveling east, at what point does the travel become Westward? Relative to the earth, eastward travel will always be eastward travel. The point is simple, when God forgives, He files that sin further behind Him than can be measured and He promises never to bring it up as an accusation needing judgement again.
If you go back to the king who forgave a debt of millions (Matthew 18), the debt had never been paid, he simply was generous and accepted the loss without extracting justice from his servant. When the forgiven servant did not extend the same generous forgiveness for a debt of thousands, the king brought the debt back up and this time, applied justice, throwing him into prison.
But the Lord Almighty’s forgiveness is not like the king of this parable. He “judges righteously and test the heart and mind” to deliver a just punishment. There are two corollaries to this misconception that forgiveness requires forgetting. The first is the much hoped for universal 'Get Out of Jail Free' card. The second corollary is that if one can just forgive and forget about a wrong or offense, then the relationship can return to the way it was. After considering these two corollaries, I will wrap up this section by consider our Creator's justice system.
Universal 'Get Out of Jail Free' Card
Perhaps more accurate would be the 'Get Out of Hell' card. Have you heard the assumption that because God is love, he will not send anyone to Hell? Is that a valid premise? If a person does not want to obey God here on earth where he has some choice, what would Heaven be like where a person has no choice but to do things God's way? Perhaps similar to the most arrogant sluggard being in Marine Boot Camp and HAVE to do what the Drill Instructor requires. Would it not be Hell?
The Apostle Paul puts it this way in Romans 8:5-8:
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
CS Lewis in The Great Divorce describes Hell as constant twilight where newcomers start out living in an apartment complex with others. But as their irritation with others increases, they start moving out of the complex into homes with space between them and their neighbors, thus allowing more freedom to do as they desire. This practice repeats itself with the citizens of Hell moving further out to provide more space until they are far enough apart that their neighbor cannot see them and interrupt their perfect, isolated life- in Hell.
want to please God, to go His way. Perhaps a loving God created 'Hell' for those who do not wish to please Him instead of forcing them to spend eternity as slaves in a hostile environment. Hopefully, they like it hot.
Forget It and Return to the Way It Was
Another corollary being propagated is that one can forgive, forget about it, and go back to the way it was before the offense. This is absolute nonsense.
Unless you have a way to remove your memory, both parties cannot undo their experiences. It is better to understand each other and what triggered the offense and move forward. Yes, forgive, but do not deceive yourselves into thinking you can go back to the way it was before.
For example, consider the marital offenses which arise from undisclosed expectations that are not being satisfied. In a typical relationship, neither spouse can articulate their expectations of how to be loved or respected. But they know something is wrong when that expectation is not being met. Yet the core issue(s) are rarely identified correctly.
Suppose a man was raised by his mother while his father was always working and providing financially. This man's heart is then stolen by a woman who becomes a lifelong partnership. The woman, on the other hand, had a father who lavished gifts and compliments on his 'princess'. After the honeymoon, the woman may be angered that he is not the husband she expected and the man is frustrated because his wife is not happy with all the things he provides for her. As they sit in the counselor's office after a stalemate in a heated argument, neither can identify what makes them angry with the other. As the three chat, the woman reveals that she expected a husband who would be like her dad - affectionate, attentive, frequently present and suffocating her with praise and gifts. As the man listens with mouth agape, he relates how he never saw much of his dad, and when he did, he saw only a few expressions of affection with his mother. He expected a wife to be content with a comfortable home and plenty of food and shoes. These different expectations then clash in marriage. It is not a matter of which expectation is right. Rather they are at odds because neither is satisfying the other's expectations. By forgiving and reconciling, they can understand each other better and come together in the middle.
One book I found incredible beneficial in identifying expectations actually told you nothing. It was 126 pages of questions for the couple to discuss. With no right or wrong answers, the questions uncover these unarticulated expectations. I recall one question that Elizabeth and I had very, very different expectations. The question was which extended family member's wedding do you attend and how much should the given gift cost? 1st Cousins (children of your parent's sibling), 2nd cousins (Children of one of your grandparent's siblings), and 3rd cousins (Offspring of your great grandparent's sibling). (Look up a chart defining cousins if you want to have your tongue twisted.) Well, good ole West thought that maybe, if convenient, attending the 1st cousin's wedding would be appropriate and a gift was optional. Elizabeth was aghast. To her, it was important to attend up to the 3rd cousin's wedding and spend $50 or more on a gift. I just looked at her with my mouth hung open with the question, "Why would you think that is important?" while thinking to myself, you may go but do not expect to drag me to your 2nd cousin's wedding. I barely know my 1st cousins.
These different expectations grow out of different values and unless they are articulated and discussed, they will lead to conflict and offenses. Purpose in your relationship to uncover those unarticulated expectations before they become tornadoes.
Our Creator’s Justice
Our Creator’s justice requires blood and death as the consequence for rebellion towards Him. (Since He is our Creator, the Lord Almighty gets to establish the law and to be the Judge, applying the law justly and the punishment equally.) In the Jewish history of the Old Testament, God made provision for the sacrifice of unblemished animals which were sort-of placeholders for the blood of the only man who had never sinned. When Jesus chose to stand in the believer's place before the Lord Almighty, He chose to remove his dazzling white robe and put it on those who believe and then put on their robes, blackened with lists of their sins (2 Cor. 5:21). Then He accepted the Lord Almighty's just punishment for their sins.
To get an idea of these substitute animal sacrifices, read through Leviticus where the Lord Almighty prescribes the various blood sacrifices required for small unintentional sinful acts up through those acts of intentionally injuring others such as:
Anyone who takes the life of a human being is to be put to death.
Anyone who takes the life of someone’s animal must make restitution — life for life.
Anyone who injures their neighbor is to be injured in the same manner: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. The one who has inflicted the injury must suffer the same injury. Leviticus 24:17-20 NIV
This is where we get the phrase: “eye for eye, tooth for tooth.” Earlier in Leviticus, there is a description of the sacrificial scapegoat on which the sins of the people were transferred.
When Aaron has finished making atonement for the Most Holy Place, the tent of meeting and the altar, he shall bring forward the live goat. He is to lay both hands on the head of the live goat and confess over it all the wickedness and rebellion of the Israelites—all their sins—and put them on the goat’s head. He shall send the goat away into the wilderness in the care of someone appointed for the task. The goat will carry on itself all their sins to a remote place; and the man shall release it in the wilderness. Leviticus 16:20-22 NIV
Bottom line, the Lord Almighty's justice is personal and comprehensive. I do not know of any sinful act and its just punishment that is not addressed in God's law book. To demonstrate how God punishes rebellion, one only needs to read how He punished His people, Israel, when they chose to do it their way instead of obeying Him. From wandering in the desert for 40 years (Numbers 13), to the earth opening up under the guilty families (Numbers 16), to a plague of venomous snakes (Num. 21), Israel experienced the Creator's punishment for their rebellion.
Centuries later Jesus is born and will suffer a punishment that satisfies the Lord Almighty's justice for man's sin. When Jesus bleeds, is separated from His Father, and then dies on the cross, his death is accepted as full payment for the sins of any who believe (John 1:12; 3:1-20 & 36; 5:24; 6:40-69; 11:24-45; & 12:46; Romans 3:22-23; 4:4-6; & 10:8-15; 1 Peter 1:20-22; 1 John 3:23-24; & 5:13). The believer's sins are forgiven and will not be brought up again as an accusation needing additional justice. Although the punishment has already been completed, Father never forgets it.
“You always do that!” or “There you go, doing it again!” are commonly heard accusations, but never from God. God's forgiveness never brings it up again as an accusation. But in the future, Father may bring it up as an example to illustrate a habit developed by Sergeant Sin who ruled us until Jesus bought us (Romans 6). Perhaps a believer has had the Spirit highlight selfishness in their life, selfishness that does not mimic Jesus. But selfishness covers a lot of territory. So, the believer asks a friend to help him discern actions that may be selfish. The friend may bring up past offenses and ask, "I have observed you doing ___________ in these various situations. Is that what you are asking about?” Being able to non-judgmentally articulate past offenses to a person often helps them understand the core motivation behind their action and the required renewal of their mind to bring about change in their behavior. Such "data points" may provide concrete steps to being transformed into the likeness of Christ.
Life Experience
Personally, in the years since that retreat where Bill sat with me as I surrendered and forgave my dad, my dad has acknowledged and apologized for many of those actions I had forgiven. My response is not, “I have forgiven you, so I do not know what you are talking about.” That would be a lie. If I did not remember it, I would not be writing about it now. Forgiving him means that I am accepting the suffering he caused, and I will no longer try to punish him or seek retribution. I have found that often those wrongs need to be discussed and explored, not to pass judgement but to understand the motives of the heart that led to the action and reactions. In doing such I have experienced incredible inner healing. This is part of the process of the good work that God has started in us and continues “in order to fulfill His good purpose.” (Philippians 2:13 NIV). I have learned that the healing process and timing is unique to each person. In some ways it is like a series of necessary medical surgeries that cannot all be done at the same time. A time of healing between surgeries is needed. For me, much of my emotional healing took place over a six-year period.
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Alright, let us take a break for lunch here while I summarize what I hope you learned during this last trek.
Forgetting may be the result of forgiveness, but forgetting an offense is never a prerequisite to forgive another. Rather, remembering the offense and discussing the intent behind it and the interpretation that offended often leads to reconciliation and a stronger relationship. When my dad is repentant about something for which I had forgiven him years prior, then discussing that event can be part of the reconciliation process. Remember that the Spirit is not only working in him, but me also. Even now it is incredibly difficult to talk with dad over the phone or in person. Ugly memories in 3-D invade the conversation and I must remind myself that I chose to forgive him for that, and that, and that other hurt. And my response to him now should be in love and compassion, at least increasing a bit more each time.
This next stretch has another obstacle that many consider a showstopper for forgiveness. In my opinion, it is a way to rationalize holding on to the grudge. And to rationalize means, according to a Marine from Louisiana, a 'ration-of-lies'. Take an hour for lunch and a rest and then we will start this next trail.
