The Trust Score

As a life coach.  I have met many who, like myself, have been betrayed and hurt by others.  Although the only way to fully avoid being disappointed  is to isolate yourself from everyone, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work well.  But I do believe that one can minimize betrayal and hurt by determining what I call a person’s Trust Score.  This nugget of wisdom is about determining one’s Trust Score that will safely guide your interactions with them.

Much of what I am about to tell you is summarized in this proverb:

If you loan a man $5 and he does not pay you back, it was worth the $5.

Keep that proverb in mind as you read or listen to this.

There are three scores that can help us in relating to others.  The Trust Score, The Empathy Score, and the well-known, ominous Credit Score.  All three are measures of one’s reputation which takes time and risk to develop.  Each one captures different data.  For instance, the Credit Score captures one’s management of finances entrusted to them.  A creditor can look at one’s Credit Score and determine the degree of risk in lending them money.  A high score often secures a lower interest rate.

The Trust Score is a measure of one’s trustworthiness whereas the Empathy Score measures how relatable a person is.  Do they listen and understand or argue and condescend?  Do they lift others up or tear them down.    

Although all three scores are important in relationships, here I will only discuss the Trust Score.

All relationships, such as a sports team, a business partnership, or a marriage, require a certain level of trust.  Thus, a trust score is simply one’s reputation of dependability in how they handle situations they encounter and how they interact with others. 

For example, shrugging off a given responsibility drops one’s Trust Score.  Whereas completing a task increases one’s trust score.  

Or choosing to lie to weasel out of a bad situation negatively impacts one’s trust score. Conversely, telling the truth and accepting any negative consequences improves one’s Trust score.  

Other choices that degrade one’s Trust score are reneging on a deal or making commitments that you never keep such as posting another’s secret on Facebook.  Yet completing that deal or keeping one’s promises increases their Trust Score, particularly when it costs more than expected.

To summarize, whereas a credit score provides insight into one’s reputation for handling financial responsibilities; the Trust Score captures the reputation of a person’s trustworthiness, dependability, self-control, and discretion. 

But unlike one’s credit score, there is no centralized database for an individual’s trust score.  So how do you determine another person’s Trust Score?

Research followed by testing.

If available, start with their reputation.  Ask colleagues and friends if they would consider this person trustworthy?  Now keep in mind that the opinion of one’s character is always tailored to the person measuring it.  For instance, a germaphobe’s definition of clean will likely be very different from a mountain man’s understanding of “clean.”  To develop your own Trust Score of another, start by investigating one’s reputation to determine if it aligns with your understanding of the type of person that “reputation” portrays.  Going back to my example, does your definition of “clean” align closer to the germaphobe’s or the mountain man’s perspective?

The next step is to determine if this person’s reputation is limited to their professional or public life or does it carry over into their personal life?  Do confidential issues leak out at the bar?  Does a man treat his wife and family in private as he does in public?  You’re seeking to discern if this is a person of integrity or a pathological hypocrite.

Up to this point, checking out one’s reputation has not required much personal risk.  But starting to test another’s reputation is a terrifying step for many as it takes personal vulnerability.  And when you’re still smarting from a previous betrayal, any new risk, no matter how small, may be overwhelming, making it easier to crawl back into the shadows if you are even willing to leave their safety.

But go back to that earlier proverb: 

If you loan a man $5 and he does not pay you back, it was worth the $5.

Now $5 may not seem like much of a risk, but I remember negotiating with a car salesperson because the monthly payment he was proposing was $5 more than I had budgeted.   Finally, after I argued that $5 was the cost of my lunch, he dropped the price.

My point is that testing another’s Trust Score does not mean baring your whole soul.  It should be a small risk at first.  A little secret that, if it appears on Facebook, will sting, but little more.  That little secret was worth the $5.   But if they prove themselves trustworthy in that little secret, you can increase the amount you are willing to risk.  If you are fortunate, in time, your relationship will blossom into one where you will easily trust one another with your lives.

Now remember, this goes both ways.  If you want a trustworthy friend, you also must develop a reputation of being trustworthy yourself.  A friend of mine, Jesus, put it this way:

If you’re honest in small things, you’ll be honest in big things;

If you’re a crook in small things, you’ll be a crook in big things.

If you’re NOT honest in small jobs, who will put you in charge of the store? 

Luke 16:10-13 The Message

 My friend, if you are weary of trying to make it on your own, find another with a reputation for being trustworthy and then test them by being a bit vulnerable.   If they handle that well, then risk a bit more and over time you will learn if they have a high trust score.